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I Shouldn’t Have Been Like This




I shouldn’t have been like this
My neck should have fallen onto my shoulders when I heard your name
A fire should have broken out inside of me
I should have walked on air
Then I should have lost my conscience
I should have said your name when I forgot my own
But no one should have heard this,
I should have kept you until the judgment day
I shouldn’t have been like this
When spring sang its songs to the darkness
I should have run to every knocking door saying ‘it’s you’
Footsteps should have come from afar
I should have always thought it was you
When the night sprinkled its stars into the sky
I should have slept to see you
No matter who the songs are sung for
I should have listened as if they were written for you
My room should have been filled with songs,
When a voice said “I left a beautiful beloved one”,
You should have been the beautiful beloved one
The words ”since I fell for your fire my coal-eyed one”
Must have been said for you.
But no one should have known this,
I should have kept you until the day of judgement.
I shouldn’t have been like this
When the words carry Taif to my ears
Even before the wind of Taif hits my face,
The traces of the stones should have been seen on my face.
When Uhud was mentioned, my teeth must have been in pain.
An afternoon in Haram
When evil eyes turn to you
And when unfaithful hands reach out to you
My heart must have been in pain and I should have been out of breath.
While you were preparing for the beyond,
While the beyond was being dressed and prepared for you,
I should have thought about you in the window you looked at for the last time,
Like the curtain closing for the last time,
My eyes should have been closed.
Then I should have reached forward
Shouting out the name of the One Who blessed us with you,
Saying ”ALLAH”
I should have fallen to the ground.
But no one should have known this.
I should have kept you until the day of judgement.
And on the judgment day…
If only I could watch you from afar.
If only I could approach you
If they blocked me,
And if they asked ‘Who are you, who are you to be so close to him? ‘
If only I could not talk because of tears
If only you turned your eyes to me
‘My heaven is your eyes looking at me.’
And if only you smiled
If only no one saw that,
If only I could keep you forever.









Your sorrows, O’ friend, set my mind clear,
Mistaken whispers formed this path, I fear, my dear.

Don’t, don’t kick me out, from your door to realms afar,
Merve to Iraq, a journey of misery, O’ shining star.

In dreams, your hair appeared, a sight so grand,
Yet, transformed to a dragon’s form, in distant land.

Upon your hair, hope’s flickering light I bestowed,
And yet, like life itself, with fickleness it flowed,

In haste, he sought fortune without delay,
And yet, this was marked as his final pray.

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The Poem About Wahshi Ibn Harb

Dursun Ali Erzincanlı – Vahsi poem English Translation

Forgiveness is the glory of greatness.
And Allah is the Greatest.

Inside every man there is a Wahshi who throws a spear at the truth.
Some introduce that Wahshi to the word of Allah
And he lives with the longing of the Prophet of light until he dies.
One of the most painful days of our Efendi(PBUH) who is the
Honour of the universe, was the day of the “Battle of Uhud”.

Along with many of his Sahabah (R.A), his beloved uncle Hazrat Hamza (R.A) was martyred that day.
What an honourable martyr he was!
A martyr whose limbs were cut off and heart was removed.
Our Prophet (PBUH) experienced such pain that day
that whenever he remembers the day of Uhud,
“It was a good day to die that day,” he would say.

The battle of Uhud was over, everyone had returned to their homes.
When the Prophet (PBUH) entered Medina, cries were heard from everywhere.
Everyone was suffering.
When our Prophet (PBUH) came to Hazrat Hamza’s (R.A) house, he began to cry and said:
“Every martyr has someone crying, but my uncle has no one crying”
Sahabah (R.A) who heard the cry of Rasulullah (PBUH) and these words,
stopped crying for their own martyrs and ran to Hazrat Hamza’s (R.A) house.
And they shared the pain of the Rasulullah (PBUH).

Wahshi (R.A) was one of the architects of that day’s pain.
He was a slave when he came to Uhud.
His master told him, if he killed Hamza, he would free him from slavery.
And he would be given all the wealth.
Wahshi put his spear out for freedom and worldly properties.
He threw it, not knowing what it would cost.
The spear offered Hazrat Hamza (R.A) the leadership of the martyrs.
And it offered a regret for Wahshi that will last a lifetime.

After Hazrat Hamza’s (R.A) martyrdom, Wahshi ibn Harb returned to Mecca.
He escaped to Taif after the conquest of Mecca.
But the people of Taif also wanted to convert to Islam.
They were going to Rasulullah (PBUH).

Wahshi thought he had nowhere to escape anymore.
Because wherever he took refuge, Islam followed him.
It was as if Muhammad (PBUH), whose uncle he killed, was following him.

One day Wahshi got the news;
Rasulullah (PBUH) was inviting him to Islam.
This invitation was unexpected, as he had brutally murdered the Prophet’s (PBUH) own uncle, his loyal friend.
For him, it was impossible to be forgiven.
Or did the Prophet make such an invitation because he wanted to take his revenge?
To catch and kill Wahshi?
But the Prophet (PBUH) would never lie.
Wahshi sends a letter to our Efendi in these emotions.
“O Muhammed! How can you invite me to become a Muslim?
Don’t you say that those who deny Allah, those who unjustly kill a soul whom Allah has created,
and those who commit adultery, will be punished for their sins?
On the Day of Judgment, their punishment will be doubled
and they will remain eternally in torment and humiliation?
I did all of these, can someone like me be saved?

After this letter, Allah sent the 70th ayah
of Surah Furqan to our Prophet Efendi(PBUH):
“As for those who repent, believe, and do good deeds,
they are the ones whose evil deeds Allah will change into good deeds.
For Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”
Our honourable Efendi writes this ayah as an answer,
without wasting any time, and sends it to Wahshi.

A short time later, another letter comes from Wahshi.
“Allah sends verses to His Prophet for a servant’s hesitations.
He removes the doubts of His servant so that he can find guidance.”
Wahshi says in his letter:
“O Muhammed! Converting and believing,
doing beautiful and good works is a very tough condition.
I don’t think I can handle this job.”
Against this excuse of Wahshi, the 48th ayah
of Surah An-Nisa is sent to our Efendi(PBUH).
“Surely, Allah does not forgive that a partner is ascribed to Him
and He forgives anything what is less than that for whomsoever He wills.”
In these ayahs, Allah is talking to a servant through His Prophet, to His servants.
Our Prophet Efendi also writes this verse that was revealed to him and sends it to him.

Wahshi replies to this news again with another letter.
“O Muhammed! In this letter, forgiveness depends on Allah’s wisdom and will.
He says He will forgive whomever He wishes.
I don’t know if Allah will forgive me or not.”
After these endless hesitations of Wahshi ibn Harb,
Allah mentions about all humanity with the 53rd ayah of Az-Zumar
“O glorious Nabi, say,
“O My servants who have exceeded the limits against their souls!
Do not lose hope in Allah’s mercy, for Allah certainly forgives all sins.
HE is indeed Al-Ghafoor and Al-Raheem.
He is indeed the All-Forgiving Most Merciful.”
This newly received ayah is immediately sent to Wahshi.

When Wahshi reads this ayah that came to him, he becomes happy.
He got the exact answer he asked for.
He immediately converted to Islam and became a Muslim.

Some of the Sahabah (R.A) immediately came to our
Prophet (PBUH) after witnessing these incidents:
“O Rasulallah! We did what Wahshi did.
Does what was promised to the Wahshi also include us?” they ask.
Our honourable Efendi gives the answer that makes us all hopeful and happy.
“These conditions and promises include all Muslims.”
To draw attention to the greatness of the good news
brought by this verse, Our Prophet Efendi (PBUH) said:
“I would not change this verse for the world and anything in the world.”

Forgiveness is the glory of greatness and Allah is the Greatest.
Allah, the Greatest, created nights to forgive His servants.
Tonight is the night of Shab-e-barat.
Isn’t it time for the Wahshi in our hearts to repent?
Don’t we have an excuse to raise our hands to the sky and ask for forgiveness?

May Allah keep us on the right way for the sake of this night.
May Allah grant us Imaan which is supported with
knowledge and practice.
May your night be Mubarak.



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